Family (:

"my sister's been at orientation camp since yesterday. the house seems really dull and empty without her around. ... i think probably, besides my parents and my friends, the next person who has had so much impact in my life is my sister.

i probably haven't really thought through this before, but come to think of it now, my sister has really been one whom i can't demand more from. i mean, i don't talk to her about anything at all actually, not school stuff, not my troubles, nothing. but it's like, whenever i see her, whenever she says something to me, my life brightens up, instantly...

i love you, jie."

- Kenneth Yong

Hm I guess I'm similar to Kenneth in many ways. And to be truthful, I experienced what I guess Kenneth would be experiencing now 8 years ago. I remember vividly the day when I was on the boat to Pulau Tekong, sending Mike off on his army journey. I cried on the boat that day. It just seemed impossible that my brother was leaving the family after seeing him everyday for the past 10 years. It just isn't a good feeling. The family suddenly felt emptier.

Then, within 2 years, it was Sam's turn to go to army. It certainly wasn't a good feeling either. And Michael was off to USA in no time for his studies. I remember sending him off at the airport. I didn't really feel anything much while going to the airport. But at the departure hall, as we bid farewell, it took me much effort to resist my tears from flowing down. My brother was going to fly away to some unknown land for 4 years.

And within another 2 years, it was Sam's turn to go into university. He was going to live in the hostel which basically meant that he wasn't coming home often. He would probably return on weekends for a short while before leaving for hostel again.

Then, when I was sec 2, Dad went off to Hong Kong to work for a year. That wasn't exactly nice either. Although I don't really talk to Dad that often everyday, but I sleep with him every night (okay a bit weird but yeah...) and suddenly, my bed felt empty too.

Recently, with all the random stuff that I had to attend to, I used to come back home for dinner around once or twice a week. That feeling wasn't good at all.

Somehow, the family began to feel emptier and emptier. One by one, everyone seemed to be going on their own seperate paths. The dishes during dinner reduced from 5 or 6 in primary school to 2 or 3 now. Sometimes, I felt as if the everyone was leaving me behind. Sometimes, I feel sad that the age gap between me and my brothers had to be so large. Sometimes, I longed for a brother who was around my age. Then, we would be able to do a lot of stuff together. Sure there would be arguments and fights (and probably tickling), but it would definitely be fun.

Soon, Mike will be moving out and moving on with his life.

Soon, Sam too will be starting work. If it's in Singapore, I may be able to see him every night for a few minutes. If it's in Hong Kong, I'd probably not see him at all for a long time...

Is it down to fate that a family has to break up like this?

Sometimes, I long that my family was still in Hong Kong. Then, I'd be able to visit my cousins and have fun with them. As I look through many facebook profiles, I see photos of cousins going out together, having fun, having dinner. For me, I don't even know how many cousins I have. Other than 2 cousins whom I'm a little closer to, I have no idea how my other cousins look like. I have no idea how many aunts or uncles I have. Can these relationships be saved? Probably not. I returned to Hong Kong in sec 2 and we were nearly like strangers who were kept together at the dinner table, being forced to talk to each other because the other aunts and uncles were happily chatting away.

But that does not mean I hate my family. In fact, I love my family very much. I guess I just don't show it in actions. I think I haven't wished my family members a happy birthday for 4 years? I guess I haven't had a proper birthday celebration with a cake since primary school. People are still having "good examination marks celebrations" while to our family, getting back examination marks is just any other topic that lasts merely a minute or two. I guess it's good in a way since I don't feel much pressure when I do my exams...

I truly value the few minutes that I have with my family esp. my brothers whom I don't see often. I understand that they have to move on and I would have done the same thing as them if I were them too. I will treasure any time I have with my family. I will make sure that whatever time we have left will be spent well.

I thank my family for developing to who I am today. I think my parents are fantastic children-developers (for the lack of a better word). I mean just look at Mike and Sam. Mike was in a neighbourhood school in secondary school but that didn't stop him from becoming a top student in Berkeley. Sam too. I always think back of the story where he and Francis (some friend of his) were the only 2 people in the normal acad cohort to ever try the A-Math in the history of the school and probably in Singapore. In the end, Sam and Francis were the only ones in the entire school that year to pick up an A in A-math. Truly amazing.

And I always remember the days in the MRT in P3. We used to live in lakeside then because Sam studied in JJC. My dad works in Boon Lay and my school was in Paya Lebah. Dad used to take the train from Lakeside all the way to Paya Lebah before returning to work at Boon Lay. I remember my mom used to travel from lakeside to Paya Lebah to bring me home everyday. On the MRT, she would start testing me chinese ke4 ben3. omg. Everyday I would be cursing and sulking on the MRT but she insisted on doing it even though every one was looking at us. Then, when we were living in Tampines, Mom would bring me all the way to Ang Mo Kio for tuition, wait for me to finish before bringing me all the way back to Tampines.

My brothers too are a great source of inspiration. I remember telling this random RG career guidance teacher about my brothers and she said that I'd probably feel pressured because of them and she asked me to follow my own path. But to me, what they provide is not pressure, but rather an inspiration. An inspiration for me to believe in myself. Whenever I take a test, I always remember how my brothers used to ace their tests even though they faced such great difficulties. Whenever I play the piano, I always remember how pro my brothers are in singing and I believe that I can do as well. Whenever I go for a run, I always remember that Sam used to be the fastest runner in his dorm in NS and I believe that I can do so too if I work hard enough.

I'll never forget the times when Sam, Mike and me used to go down to play soccer nearly everyday.
I'll never forget the times when Mom would follow me wherever I went and painstakingly gave me Chinese tests, Math and Science assessments and even English spelling tests even though she herself had difficulties pronouncing the words.
I'll never forget the times when Dad would protect my "rest time" (which I remember lasted merely 30-60 min each day in primary school).

It is always painful to see someone leave the family for a long time. And I think it's just a matter of time before everyone just has to take their seperate paths and set up their own families and the whole process starts again.

I just want to say that I'll always remember whatever time that I had with my family and I'll treasure whatever time we have left.

And I believe that I can do it (:

Patrick